You need support

The shame and secrecy are killing you.  You can't live this way but the fear of the consequences should your secret get out paralyse you.  You are determined to beat this on your own, but constant defeat has left you depressed and desperate. 

The decisions you have made, the habits you have formed, the bondage you have allowed to form has created a tangled web that makes you feel helpless.

You need support. 

But where?  Your wife won't understand, your pastor's too busy, your friends are struggling with the same thing.   

 

First I would suggest praying.  Pray that the Lord would send someone to help.  Secondly check your church, there is sure to be someone who is steadfast and loving enough to help.  Finally, if no one is available consider that the Lord is sufficient to meet your needs. (Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 12:9)  Under no circumstances do you give up or quit on battling lust.  The Lord will never leave you nor forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6)

 

If you have options consider the type of characterstics listed in this post:
LINK: You need a spiritual coach