Don't Blame the Spouse

LINK: Co-Addict or Trauma Victim? Secondary abuse of spouses and partners of sex addicts

Vigilance in keeping a Godly perspective of our sin is essential in this battle.  

Sin has consequences,  we all know this intuitively,  we see the consequences every day on the news and in our lives.  It is deceptive, consuming, and destructive.

One of those consequences is that those closest to us are effected by our secret sin.  We may try to tell ourselves that everything is under control and no one is getting hurt, but secret sin always pops up - in the way we think, talk, look at others.  Have you ever made a somewhat sexual joke and gotten some strange looks?  Have you been caught leering at other women?  Secret sin has a way of popping up in ways you did not intend.

"But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the LORD, and be sure your sin will find you out. - Numbers 32:23

Secret sin never stays secret,  eventually you will get caught and then your family, friends, congregation, etc will have to deal with the fallout of that secret sin.  Some people know how to emotionally deal with those consequences, others don't, but there is real pain and damage and betrayal associated with the sin.   

When faced with a traumatic emotional event, spouses and others close to the offender react in many different ways.  Some withdraw or leave, some threaten, some are hostile and scream and fight, some attempt to help, some ignore it.  But no one is ever immune.  The idea of the Co-Addict and the enabler is that they react by attempting to salvage the relationship either by creating emotional dependence or passively allowing the behavior to continue.  These are legitimate reactions to emotional trauma.  

The problem comes when the spouse is subject to pressure from the addict or even church leaders to react this way.  Under the guise of forgiveness and grace they can be manipulated into accepting an outcome that they are not emotionally or spiritually ready to make.  This can create a cycle where the sin isn't dealt with but the spouse is continually forced to make decisions that give into the desires of the unrepentant addict.  The spouse may feel that it is their responsibility to hold the marriage together, or even be the one to save their spouse from the sin.  

The danger is very real that well meaning Christians can further traumatize spouses by labeling them as part of the problem.  The sin has to be dealt with, fully or else that person should be put out. Rebuilding relationships can never begin without repentance and action on the part of the addict. When approaching this situation a blanket judgment about the spouse's emotional state does not help the situation and may even be hurting it.